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Continuous Feed

Originally posted on July 27th 2011. This was live tweeted after I saw a news article about a woman hacking off her ex husband’s junk and stuffing in the garbage disposal. The news article never mentioned what KIND of disposal. Batch feed or continuous? It bothered me that they omitted such an important detail.
There’s this book of useful knots she keeps in the bathroom. Don’t trust women with books like that, she thinks.
Snickers stifled.
He awakens to find her sitting on his legs. His flaccid six inches in her mouth. She is gurgling and laughing. Foam and snot bubbles erupt from her nose and corners of her mouth. She spits it out.  The hot saliva trickling down his asscrack gives him a semi. Good enough. She pulls, stretching out his brave soldier and cooing at it.  She ties a 20 Lb Test Monofilament Fishing Line tightly around the base of his shaft while ripping out long pubes as she firmly pulls it tight.
She lets him see the serrated bread knife. Brandishing it with a flourish. Letting it tick tock hang from her hand. Hypnotizing him. Then turning it over in her hands cruelly and touching the ridges with her fingertips.
He starts to cry.
She fake pouts and mimes like it’s a violin bow and it’s playing a sad song.
She can’t hear his denials, his begging and pleading. She’s belting out the end to “Under Pressure”.
“Why can’t we give love….
All this rocking back and forth as she straddles him has made her skirt go up. Her bare wetness slipping along his knee, hips gyrating. She marvels at the way the knife cuts through his dick as if it’s a kielbasa.
They should do an infomercial. It slices. It dices. It SPURTS BLOOD.
Brackish tentacles fumbling her face, suckers kiss her mouth as it fills with brine. Back arching as she rides the leaping orca of his legs.  Her keening mock orgasm matches the pitch of his screams. She realizes she has finished sawing off his dick and has been rubbing it on her own face for a while now.
Dancing herself over to the kitchen, she lays the leaking dick meat on the nicely oiled bamboo cutting board while rummaging through a drawer full of utensils.  Spraying cooking spray on both sides of a hot mini egg frying pan that she got at Bed Bath and Beyoned, she coughs delicately at the smoke.  Skipping over to him, she stops and sticks his dick between her teeth like Hannibal Smith with a cigar and says “I love it when a plan comes together”!
She cauterizes his bleeding gash with the glowing hot mini egg fryer. It sizzles and she inhales the smells of bacon and burnt hair. He screeches. She sings along.
She frowns as some of his flesh sticks to the back of the pan but brightens at the thought of the next monthly Bed Bath and Beyond 20% off coupon.
Now standing at the cutting board, prodding the severed dick with a wooden spoon, she fondly recalls the finger scene from Phantasm… “Fuck, I mean how awesome are those Phantasm movies!?!” She thinks. Flying balls of death. Mutant interdimensional dwarf zombies. Creepy funeral home. It’s perfect, the fucking theme song. It’s been honored so many times that it’s not even funny. Tool. Entombed. Marduk. Angus Scrimm is so scary. BOYYY! Anyway.
Her thoughts abruptly flicked to John Wayne Bobbitt and his stupid porn career. Frankenpenis. What a douche. Deserved it…
Gingerly picking up the raw mess of fatty penis with two fingers. She drops it unceremoniously down into the sink as the cold water runs. Always run with cold water, she recalls reading in the instructions to the disposal.
She gleefully stabs it down with the wooden spoon, guffawing at the thought of it finally being adequately sized for something.
Flicks the wall switch. The 2800 RPMs kick in and grind away at the flesh, spinning it around and around and around as it pulverizes the fibrous and stringy waste. So pleased that she decided to get the continuous feed disposal installed. Those batch feed ones are such a pain in the ass with the plug that you have to push in and turn. This is so easy and hands-free!

Stabitha Offalmunger


3 responses

  1. serenebabe

    Holy shit.

    November 20, 2011 at 3:21 am

  2. Missed Connections: sizzling frying pan seeks disembodied man meat to make sumptuous breakfast feast for women’s penitentiary.

    November 28, 2011 at 7:28 pm

  3. deliciously macabre

    February 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm

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